How do I deal with the critical voices in my head?

Many of us grew up knowing that we were very different from the person society and our parents wanted us to be. We started attacking ourselves for being gay or for being less masculine or attractive than the ideal images portrayed in the media.  We have internalized negative messages from our fathers, our siblings, our peers and our culture. Some of us were lucky to grow up without having to compare ourselves on Facebook to the curated stories of other men.  

You might believe you are not good enough for love, not attractive enough for sex, or not smart enough for work promotions. Maybe you don’t think you are fun enough.  

In group we use cognitive reframing techniques to help you replace your most distorted and damaging thoughts with more realistic assessments.  The belief “Older men are invisible in the gay world,” can be replaced by changing your perspective. You have a lot to offer as an experienced and loving gay man. Blurting out some of the horrible stories you tell yourself and finding that the other gay men in the room do not fall off their chairs in horror, helps to reduce your feelings of shame.  I remember one client who was mortified that he loved to imagine himself as a woman being topped by a man.  The group encouraged him to de-shame that thought and helped him to see that what he actually wanted was to be a gay male bottom.  Once he made that transition there was no stopping him.

Sometimes you learn a lot by hearing other gay men talk about their own harsh internal critical voices. You can see how those criticisms don’t make sense. It leaves you with the question: Maybe my own internal critic is out of touch as well. Once you can share your own harsh inner voices, they begin to soften.  

In accepting other men’s honesty about their imperfections, you can begin to create more realistic standards for yourself.  You can learn that being “rejected” is not the worst thing in the world. We help you develop the resilience to move on quickly from setbacks.

You can learn more at gaygrouptherapy.org.

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To schedule a consultation with Dr. Swift—or for more information—please call (212) 517-6942 or email drwswift@gmail.com.