How I deal with feeling shame about being an older gay man

As we gay and queer men grow older, many of us have to tackle the dragon of shame about aging in a youth culture. We have been listening for decades to messages from the media and seeing posts on social media glorifying youth and beauty.

I have encountered many single gay men who thought their romantic gay lives were finished when they passed the fifty-year mark.  A little sagging of the pecs, a little bulge in the belly, and it is all over.  Many of us feel that our marketability and lovability are directly correlated with having a tight and trim body and an unwrinkled face. But there is hope.

I find that group therapy is particularly helpful for older gay men. I like to have a mix of ages in my groups so that the members can hear a wide variety of perspectives. We listen as younger group members and our contemporaries, some of whom are not chasing their youthful selves, open up about their inner critical voices and how they cope with them.   

In group we focus on:

  • Defining ourselves by our inner qualities of wisdom, resilience, and perspective rather than our surface attributes.

  • Finding people who are aging with confidence and hearing about their point of view.

  • Learning that attractiveness comes from the sparkle and spirit of the person beyond the contours of the body.

  • Seeing ourselves and our actions through our own eyes; putting less focus on how others see us. It is counterproductive at any age to judge yourself by how you think other people see you.  Remember others don’t see YOU, just the fantasy they project onto you.

  • Countering our sense of invisibility by getting actively engaged in mentoring younger men, or working side by side with others who are committed to a cause. This reduces the time we spend on navel gazing.

Check out my groups at gaygrouptherapy.org.

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To schedule a consultation with Dr. Swift—or for more information—please call (212) 517-6942 or email drwswift@gmail.com.